Boing! Boing! Boing!
By Keiti | July 9, 2007
I’m really beginning to dislike being all over the place, emotionally. One minute I’m fine. The next, raging pissed. Then sad and hurt. Perfectly normal, I suppose, given the circumstances, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. At the moment, I’m not liking the fact that I’m paying for what someone else did - I don’t mean the person who has inadvertently slammed me into the ground, but the person(s) who did this to him - the person(s) who hurt him, and made him doubt his own worth. That’s a very big part of what this comes down to. I may have my own doubts, my own insecurities, but I don’t doubt this. Not for a moment. But there comes a time when we, as adults, have to accept and see our fear for what it is - realize that it is what it is and nothing more. Fear can’t hurt us - not in and of itself. The only power it has is the power we give it.
Which brings me to say that, after much thinking, I’ve realized that I’m choosing to do things out of hurt and fear rather than because I need to do them. I’m seriously financially unstable, and that has to be rectified before I can do anything else. I’ve never been one to make plans then implement them, choosing to fly by the seat of my pants. And I’ve always done things out of a sense of obligation to other people. That stops here. While I do want to move back to Europe, grad school will simply have to wait for the time being. I’ll continue to investigate different schools so I can be ready when the time comes, but for now, I’ve got to dig myself out of this hole I’ve created for myself. That means not doing stupid things, getting my bills paid off, and working on the things that are important to me.
Topics: Dating, Fear, Grad School, Human Behavior, Hurt, Life in General, Romance, Sadness, The Breakup |