I *Think* Things are Finally Beginning to Look Up…
By The Misfit | July 16, 2007
The most extraordinary thing happened to me today.
I went to church with my parents this morning, and finally met S.’s sister and nephew. Nothing beyond the perfunctory was mentioned – S. wasn’t mentioned by either of us except in passing (which is a good thing, because I don’t think I could have done it without bursting into tears – I’m still a bit wobbly in that regard) but she was very nice, which is cool. I’m sure she knows who I am in the relationship of things, but was polite enough not to go there – something I am tremendously grateful for.
Later, as lunch with my parents and some of their friends was winding down, one of the gentlemen leaned over and started to say, “I’m sorry to hear about…” I stopped him mid-sentence and told him that it wasn’t a topic for discussion. It wasn’t that I was being ungrateful; I could just feel myself start to go there and histrionics was not on the menu.
By the time I got home, I felt like every nerve fiber had been rubbed raw – not angry, even though I tried – if nothing else, anger keeps me from wallowing in my self-pity for too long. I read a little bit, took a nap, read some more – basically did everything I could think of to lose myself in something else so I wouldn’t have to think about that.
This is where the extraordinary comes in: something happened – I don’t remember what; it could have been something on TV or the internet that I ran across – but I was excited and my first inclination was to tell him about it. That may not seem like much, but before today I refused to allow myself the luxury of those types of feelings. I didn’t email him because I made my decision about contact being up to him, and I will stick to that come hell or high water. He is the one who put us here and he can be the one to start digging us out when he’s ready. But it made me realize two things: I miss being able to share the all the wonderful things that make me giggle and vice-versa, and the hurt and subsequent anger is beginning to fade just a little. It’s not that I don’t have things to say to him about all of this, nor does it mean that I’d jump right back in, caution be damned.
But it’s a start.
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