The Search for Spirituality # 1
By Keiti | August 19, 2007
Three…Two…One…Go!
As I mentioned in my previous post, there are changes coming, and this blog marks the first change.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past month and a half or so – partially about being upset over the demise of my most recent relationship and partially about how in the hell I manage to always find myself back at square one. And what I saw on both accounts wasn’t pretty.
This isn’t the first time this has happened – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in this exact situation - but hopefully it’ll be the last. I’m 36 years old and tired of starting back at zero. We’re given one life to live so there are no retake, no do-overs. This is it, folks.
I did some pretty hefty soul-searching to see if I could figure out how I always manage to find myself here – feeling rejected and unsure. I thought about my first experience with a therapist – the one who told me I was a closet-case lesbian with an alcohol problem (something I found rather amusing since I don’t drink and have never made any bones about my interest in some women). I thought about my second attempt – the one who asked me if I thought I was bi-polar. (umm…no.) I thought about all the things I’ve done over the years to try and find some sense of self and some peace – the clubbing, the people I initially chose to include in my life and the ones I ended up weeding out years down the road for one reason or another. I thought about the choices in men who I chose to date and how none of them were exceptionally bad people, but the majority of who were particularly bad for me. And dating the one man out of all of them who was good for me has once again left me at the starting gate.
And I realized, out of all of this, the only thing that ever gives me any sort of peace, is my quest for spirituality – the realization that my belief in God and trust in something bigger than myself is the one thing that keeps me sane.
I don’t mean to make this all serious, even though it is a serious adventure for me. My point is that God does just fine bringing what I need into my life. Things run along wonderfully until I manage to put my meddling hands right in the middle of it and screw it all up. To bring it to an even finer point, I’ve screwed things up quite nicely.
So, part of what I plan on blogging about is the search for where my beliefs truly lie – I have a start, but there’s so much more to discover.
I hope you’ll join me on this journey. Words of encouragement are always welcomed as are things for me to think about and ponder. This isn’t about organized religion so much as it is a search for God, what He means to me, and how I can better incorporate Him into my daily life.
Topics: Spirituality |