Assimilation Part III
By The Misfit | September 20, 2007
Examining my own behaviors and thought processes, which have changed considerably over the years, has proven to be quite enlightening. It used to be that I lived completely in the moment, as most young adults do. The sense of invincibility and lack of experience in the “real world” doesn’t leave room for much else. I was content to live hard and play hard – loving as easily as I despised – and worry about the future later. Well, later has arrived, and I find that I’m at a loss. I feel completely unprepared for being an adult. The trust of other people that came so naturally to me has all but disintegrated. Instead of letting relationships develop and just happen as they will, I’m more inclined to push the issue to the point where it’s hanging half off the precipice of “yes it’ll happen, no it won’t”. I now see people in terms of potential – perhaps in part to quell the uncertainty that comes with wanting to become a full-fledged, functioning adult, but not quite wanting to let go of the recklessness of youth.
I’ve come to realize that I’m drawn to those closest to me because it’s safe. I already know they love and accept me – there’s no struggle between wanting to impress someone new and still be exactly who I am, no putting on my party face full of wit and cleverness, and certainly no hiding the neuroses that make themselves known the minute my guard is down. I have purposefully sabotaged relationships in order to relish that safety. And while sabotage was the best thing I could have possibly done for a myriad of reasons, it certainly doesn’t detract from fear being my main motivation. All this time I’ve kicked myself in the ass believing it was fear of meeting someone new that held me back – that I was keeping myself attached to that safety because it was what I knew, what I was comfortable with. Now I question if that’s the case at all. I mean, what is wrong with wanting to have a relationship with someone you’ve had a long-term friendship with? Who better to share that journey than someone who has seen you at both your best and worst, and still accepts and supports you because the emotional attachment is already there and incredibly strong? I’ve been told that it’s merely nostalgia that makes my thoughts run in this particular direction, to this particular person, and perhaps part of it is. But nostalgia or not, it doesn’t change how I feel nor what I want in a relationship. If I find my place is beside someone I’ve known for over ten years, what the hell does nostalgia matter, anyway?
What all this soul-searching comes down to is that it’s not the fear of meeting someone new that keeps me in check – I’ve done that plenty in my lifetime – but rather the fear of allowing myself to accept that I deserve to have a great relationship, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with transitioning an already existing friendship into something that absolutely requires the strength to build on that friendship and the capacity to move beyond the fear it brings.
As long as I’m being honest, I may as well say that I don’t want to live behind fear anymore – not in relationships, be they with my oldest friend or someone new. I’m not sure how to accomplish moving beyond it enough to find the elusive partnership I’ve craved for years – the best I can decipher at this point is that I need to take a much closer look at what behaviors worked for me ten years ago to bring me so much comfort and support from truly amazing people, and what works for me now in terms of the person I’ve become. Somehow the two need to merge in order for me to come to a full understanding of why I push away the very things I desire and why what I desire is rarely what I need.
Copyright 2007 Misplaced Misfit
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