Those Pesky Demons
By Keiti | May 8, 2008
I played hooky from work today because I still wasn’t feeling all that great. I slept until 11ish then ran a few errands before I came back to the hotel and stuck my nose in a book for the afternoon.
I almost wish I hadn’t.
Usually I turn to books when I need some down time to regroup - with all of the crazy hours I’ve desperately needed it. But today’s choice in reading material brought up a whole bunch of stuff I’d rather have not thought about.
Stealing Buddha’s Dinner is a memoir about a Vietnamese girl’s coming-of-age in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and her having to contend with the battle between her Vietnamese heritage and assimilating herself into the American culture (not to mention the Hispanic culture of her step-mom, but I’ll let you read the book). Bich Minh Nguyen talks about feeling like an outcast because she didn’t fit in anywhere.
Which I can fully appreciate. Since I came squalling into this world I’ve had one foot in the military life and one foot in civilian life. I’ve also had one foot in Germany and one foot in the United States, as well as one foot in “normal” society and one foot in the freak culture. I know where I feel most comfortable (military, Germany (Europe), freak), but it doesn’t negate any dealings in the other. Frankly, I always feel like I have to play games to keep the normals from figuring out how much of a freak I actually am.
I like the dark and demented in life - despite my rosy exterior (that’s supposed to be a joke). I enjoy reading about the Marquis de Sade. I enjoy good horror movies (though I haven’t seen one in very many years that scared the hell out of me). Horror novels scare me more than horror movies (I read Stephen King’s Pet Semetary when I was a senior in high school and slept with my light on for a week; the movie just made me laugh).
I read something on Post Secret last Sunday where the secret holder stated she was afraid she’d never find love because she was an intellectual. I’m afraid for the same reason and then some; do you know how difficult it is to find someone who’s a freak or accepting of such and who isn’t an excessive drinker or into drugs? Or who isn’t as dumb as a box of rocks because of past excessive drinking and / or drug use. Or who hasn’t grown out of clubbing all the time?
I used to feel so comfortable in my element of clubbing and playing more than I worked and taking care of all most of my friends who were drunk or stoned. I knew what to expect and how to deal with it.
Now I just feel completely disconnected from the core of me.
Topics: Life in General, Misfit Musings |
May 8th, 2008 at 3:51 am
that was deep…is this state killing you inside?
May 8th, 2008 at 10:02 am
No - I’ve kind of gotten used to the chaos.