Back From The Bliss of Solitude
By The Misfit | July 26, 2010
This past weekend was fantastic. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to unwind nor better company with whom to unwind.
Lots of quiet time, which I so desperately needed and which wasn’t questioned. Nothing was asked of me. I got to finish Jane Slayre, finally. I’d been trying to get through the damn thing for weeks and couldn’t concentrate.
Plenty of time to think, too.
I’ve been trying to sort things out for myself. I think I said somewhere before that I was working on me. And in working on me, I’ve sort of lost myself. It’s funny how that’s worked. I’m trying to embrace my femininity and it’s thrown me off balance. I’ve always been the tomboy, more piss and vinegar and bull-in-the-china-shop than soft, demure, and girly. Add to that bossy know-it-all and snarky and you pretty much have me. I say things without thinking, do things without considering the consequences, and can be unintentionally hurtful.
This weekend was a lesson in leaning back and not feeling like I have to control everything. On one had it was extraordinarily brilliant. On the other, I discovered that I wasn’t sure what to say or how to act. I found that I was unsure of myself, which almost never happens. I felt disconnected from myself and from those around me. I felt an immense need to explain, but this past weekend wasn’t for seriousness. For a whole list of reasons. Before the weekend even arrived I promised myself I wouldn’t even remotely approach anything of a serious nature unless something was brought up by someone else. It wasn’t and therefore I kept it to myself.
I feel like I’m precariously balanced on a tightrope. I want to be me, but I want to be the best me I possibly can. I just need to find that balance between my normal self and the changes I want to incorporate.
The question is how to do that without losing the essence of who I am.
And right now it feels like it’s gone on an extended vacation.
And it’s time for it to come home.
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